I love creating lists and hypotheticals concerning sports. I remember as a kid I used to makeup lists of my random friends, celebrities, and girls and pin them against each other on paper and analyze who would win in a basketball game. Recently, I saw they did this with the cast from Friends vs. the Office. The Office squad all the way, no cap. Kevin had a mean jumper that was unmatched and Ross is a simp, so the outcome is obvious in my eyes. So I thought, shoot, let’s do former US Presidents and what type of points they’re putting up in a 7 game series. After a little research, this is most likely the best/most even starting 5 for 2 teams.
PG: Barack “773Shoota” Obama 6’1 – NBA comparison: Isaiah Thomas
SG: Richard “Big Dick” Nixon 5’11 – NBA comparison: Raymond Felton
SF: Bill “Monica” Clinton 6’2 – NBA comparison: J.R. Smith
PF: Ronald “RR” Regan 6’1 – NBA comparison: Andrei Kirilenko
C: Abe “Big Country” Lincoln 6’4 – NBA comparison: Chris Kaman
6th: William “The Bruiser” Howard Taft 6’0 – NBA comparison: Glen Davis
PG: George “Cowboy” W. Bush 6’0 – NBA comparison: Steve Nash
SG: George “Bankshot” Washington 6’2 – NBA comparison: Robert Horry
SF: Donald “DMoney” Trump 6’2 – NBA comparison: Ron Artest
PF: Gerald “Automatic” Ford 6’0 – NBA comparison: Rasheed Wallace
C: Lyndon “LBJ” B. Johnson 6’4 – NBA comparison: Zydrunas Ilgauskas
6th: Franklin “Wheels” D. Roosevelt 6’2 – NBA comparison: Kenny Kawaguchi
What are your initial thoughts on a 7 game series? For me, I give the edge to the deadly 1-2 combo of Obama and Lincoln. I can imagine that pick and roll/pop combo is straight cash. Obama is quicker and a better ball handler than ol’ dubyah Bush, but you know Bush is a working boy from Texas so he gets down to it as well. Let’s break down their stats and awards for the season.
Barack O: 20.6 ppg 10.2 apg 6.9 rpg 3.3 spg 2.1 TO
Barack is an absolute beast in this series. Barack’s handles are unreal and his lefty, unorthodox shot has the opposition not knowing what to do. He can cut, drive, and shoot lights out. By far the most skilled player on the court, the 773shoota was clutch in big moments and was the playmaker on both sides of the ball. Winner of the finals MVP.
Richard N: 9.9 ppg 1.1 apg 5.6 rpg
Big drip is the soul of the squad. Known for his wild schemes, ol’ dick is always looking to outsmart the defense. Known more as a role player, but has some leadership vibes for the team. In this series, he’s the type of dude who did the dirty work that doesn’t appear in the stats. Imagine an Andre Igoudala vs. the Cavs in 2015, just a dog.
Bill C. 15.2 ppg 0.9 apg 1.2 rpg 7.7 TO
Bill was an absolute wildcard for squad one. At times, the dude was an absolute shooter and could not miss, but similar to J.R., he had no idea when to stop shooting the rock. Big Bill managed the crowd insults well throughout the series hitting some clutch buckets, but at times, it seemed the crowd won a few times with their everlasting “Monica” jeers. Similarly, Bill controversially did not get suspended a game for his off the court antics throughout the series.
Ronald R. 6.9 ppg 6.9 apg 6.9 rpg
Pretty boy Ron, a crowd favorite. Honestly, Ron doesn’t do much in the series except look good. Known for an occasional spurt of energy or bucket, Ron keeps us on our toes with not only his precise stat line but his impeccable jawline.
Abe L. 19.9 ppg 7.2 apg 10.3 rpg 2.2 tpg
The right hook to Obama’s lefty jab. The ole’ honest Abe/Obama pick and roll is just absolutely unstoppable in this series. Being one of the tallest players on the floor, Abe was able to sky over defenders and went old school on our asses posting all these fools up. Abe’s double-double throughout the series led some to believe he should be the MVP, but with Obama on the floor, that’s a tough ask for any big man.
William T. 4.4 ppg 1.2 apg 10.0 rpg 2.2 spg
William “The Bruiser” Taft. Known for his tough play, had a tough all-around series. Brother Taft was tasked with guarding every position on the opposing squad. Will is an absolute tank defensively. Big daddy Will got the nickname “The Bruiser” due to a scuffle with Donny Trump a few years back that ended in fans getting involved for both sides. Imagine malice in the palace II. Known to never back down from a fight, Willliam added a bit of bad boy mentality off the bench to frustrate the offensive effort by squad 2.
George B. 12.9 ppg 8.9 apg 2.2 rpg 4.4 tpg
The Cowboy had a tough series trying to guard Barack. While doing an okay job defensively, Dubyah was the orchestrator on offense and got everyone involved. Known for his skills as a general, he gave squad 2 a legitimate shot at the improbable upset. Fortunately, George did a great job of calming down Donny Trump in game 3 to push the series to 7 games.
George W. 14.9 ppg 8.7 apg 8.7 rpg 2.2 spg
The father of our country turns out to be a solid all-around player and hit some big shots throughout the series. With his luscious locks and wooden teeth, Mr. Washington hit game-winning shots in games 4 and 6 to push the series further and give hope to the underdogs. With NBA comparisons to Big Shot Rob, you would not expect anything less from the OG of democracy. Solid overall series for George.
Donald T. 18.8 ppg 3.3 rpg 0.0 apg 7.9 tpg
“A walking bucket” is how Donald describes his game. Not known for his precise passing or level head, Donald hit some huge shots in the series but also had some HUUUUUGGGEEE turnovers late in games. With his little hands, Donny struggled defensively to lock up Bill Clinton but single handily won game 2 of the series with his lights out shooting performance. Donny and Clinton got in a few skirmishes throughout the series, but the close off-court friends were spotted at the local strip club after game 5 which sparked a bit of controversy throughout the league.
Gerald F. 2.2 ppg 3.0 rpg 4.9 apg 1.2 spg
Quiet, simple series for Mr. Ford. G-Money struggled to get going throughout the set of games and was often seen “pardoning” his friend Richard Nixon. Never really got going, was more of a liability on both ends of the floor.
Lyndon B. 12.2 ppg 7.8 rpg 2.2 bpg 1.1 apg
The original LBJ and regular season DPOY, LBJ worked hard against honest Abe. After controversially winning DPOY over Abe, Lyndon had a huge task ahead of him. After some tough defensive stands and blocks, Abe was just too much to handle. Let’s not forget the solid series LBJ had, but it just wasn’t enough with the Obama/Abe connection. LBJ struggled to guard the perimeter and being consistent in the offensive front. Valient effort to push 7 games, but just wasn’t enough.
FDR. 15.5 ppg 1.2 rpg 2.5 apg 4.3 tpg
The reigning back to back 6th man of the year was a standout for squad 2 throughout the series. A problem on the offensive front, FDR hit big shot after big shot to keep the series close and was the heart and soul of the squad to keep team morals high. Fell a bit short in the end, but performed well in all 7 games of the series.
Overall, a tight 7 games series but squad 1 was just too much down the stretch. The dogs of Barack/Lincoln were just too much to handle. With the Abe/Obama pick and roll, the court opened up for the role players in squad 1 to win. Donny, FDR, and Geroge Washington fought hard to keep the games close and almost pulled off the upset, but the 26 point game 7 from Barack was the clincher and solidifier for finals MVP.
Race aside, is Barack Obama the best basketball-playing president the world has ever seen? I think so. Hopefully, if I make it to heaven I can set up this series and cover the games for the people to see.